Why I’m no longer scared to write

I’ve been scared to write 'properly' for years. Now, it’s time to ask myself why…and make a pact.

When people ask me: “what’s your dream job?” I’d first answer something like “choreographer” or “cowgirl”. Cowgirl was always my ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ answer - I think it was due to the appeal of the outdoors, galloping through meadows, and of course the classic jeans and hat combo.  

And choreographer was because I always fancied myself a bit of a ‘creative’ and dance was my first love. I was terrible at performing, but collating a mixture of movements to be performed by dancers who just ‘had it’? Yes - that’s a bit of me.

So, those are my first answers because in the metaphorical world we slip into with big questions about what the ‘perfect xyz’ would be, why shouldn’t we dream big? 

But when I slow down, dig a little bit deeper and think about the job that could maybe - just maybe - become a reality, I always come back to one thing. I’d be a writer. 

There’s just something romantic about writing. 

My writer-romance story goes a bit like this: A woman in her early 20s in a well put together indie girl outfit with round glasses and a battered satchel coolly hanging off one shoulder, peruses books in an independent, inner-city book store. She moves confidently, flicking through various titles, before sitting down in the seat she always sits in, a big cup of coffee in front of her, as she begins work on her latest short story. 

But if we leave my Nora Ephron-esque dreamworld behind for a sec, there’s also the reality of how writing makes me feel. Writing is the act of putting together a group of words that anyone could use, but haven’t. You, the writer, have the power to place them in an order that stirs emotion in you. If you’re lucky, the reader feels it too. I guess it’s a bit like choreography of words. And it’s sumptuous. 

I’ve dipped in and out of writing since university, where I learned to love poetry, and blogged about my stint studying in Iowa City. But to be honest, writing has never been a constant. I’m unsure whether I was doing it to seem edgy and ‘different’ when I’d pull out a poem at a party…or, whether I was actually any good at it, and could make something out of it.

Yet ‘writer’ is still the dream job I keep coming back to. I’ve realised, though, it doesn’t even have to be a job, does it? I can just…do it.

And I’ve made a decision. I’m going to be a writer. Look! I’m doing it right now. But, IT’S TRUE, I’m a writer! (You have no idea how hard that last line was to write).

It seems that somewhere along the way, I’ve created fear around writing. I’ve created an inherent belief that I’m not good enough to write. I’m not good enough to do something that brings me joy and peace. And even if I was, it doesn’t matter anyway, because if it’s not a job, it’s really real anyway. 

But that ends now. You see, I’ve made a pact with myself. 

I’m no longer scared to write.

This awakening came halfway through Emma Gannon’s Ctrl Alt Delete podcast episode with Lena Dunham (I can also highly recommend The Hyphen, Emma’s amazing substack).

It’s a replay of an interview they did in 2017 - at the height of Lena’s success with one of my favourite TV shows, GIRLS. In the podcast episode, they talk about the safety of writing. Lena says from a young age: 

 “I really came to think about writing as, like, the safest space for me and that is something that I feel so lucky about…I feel so glad that throughout Girls with critical attention, with positive attention, with my book, writing has continued to be the place that I go when I just want to curl inward.”

Hearing their conversation reminded me of why I fell in love with writing in the first place. It quietens my ever-revolving mind. It’s the one thing that I can do for hours and not get bored. I never feel rushed with my writing. Nor do I feel self-conscious or out of place. Not only does it bring me true inner joy, Lena’s words made me realise that writing is my safe space, too. 

Yet, even now, as I get towards the end of this piece, I’m looking back and thinking, ‘this is shit’, ‘no one’s going to read it’, ‘what’s the point’. 

But what’s life if we let those intrusive thoughts win? Just by sitting down and writing this I’m living out what I would tell people is my ‘dream’. 

And that’s why I’m no longer scared to write. It’s not something to fear, or not feel good enough for. It’s my safe space. It brings me joy.  

What brings you joy? Are you fearful of it? Maybe it’s time to look it dead in the eyes, and invite it in. 

It’s easier than you think.