Why I was asking why

On realising the purpose behind this newsletter

It’s been on my mind. The lack of writing. The unexplained absence of a bi-weekly newsletter to my friends. And many of you know exactly why I’ve not been around. I’ve even had some words of encouragement to get back to it, some of you even saying that you’ve missed my little updates - which has filled me with gratitude and love. 

I’ve missed it, too. 

But I’m back. I don’t know what happened, maybe I’d unlocked another level of ✨ healing ✨…but on a Wednesday evening, I was lying on the sofa, mid-paragraph of a book, the polite commentary and momentary cheering of Wimbledon playing in the background, when I had an urgent rush of realisation and an urge to do one last post. 

So I ran to grab my laptop and here we are. 

A big change, a packed mind, and an inability to write  

So, in keeping with the theme of this very newsletter, why? Why did I stop? In a word, change. Big change. 

Before the change happened, I was stuck. I couldn’t really see a way out. It felt like I’d unknowingly got on the wrong train and there weren’t any station stops before the end of the line. 

However, it turns out there was. I got off the proverbial train. Which meant leaving everything behind: my fiancé, my house, my beloved dog. I left all the things and little moments I’d collected to make a life. And started in a new direction - a different track in search of the things that I’d need to collect to make a new life that felt more like me. 

It wasn’t easy on anyone, yet felt it was essential for everyone. 

My life as I knew it was ending, with a whole new era ready to begin (even if I wasn’t quite ready yet). Yes, I know, it sounds like a massive cliché and quite frankly, a bit ‘Eat Pray Love’, but I can’t really describe it any other way. 

My massive life change took up a lot of my mind. My head was packed full to the rafters with thoughts, feelings, doubts. I mean, name any emotion and I guarantee I was feeling it…and not always able to express it in the most healthy way. Sometimes I was unable to express it at all. I was going through the fall-out of one of the biggest changes in my life - one that I brought upon myself, yet despite it being my decision, I certainly wasn’t in control of what came next. The process of it was all-encompassing (and still is at times).

What remains

I found expressing myself creatively impossible - the idea of writing about the things I wanted to question, to explore, to challenge, was completely out of reach. So much change was happening internally that I didn’t have the space to look up at a life outside mine and gain any sort of perspective. 

It isn’t until now that I’ve been able to get through to even a semblance of light at the end of the tunnel of a lot of confusion, emotion, and uprooting. Which means I can finally reflect, switch on the laptop, head here, and start writing. Having that creative valve open again feels really good and right. 

What’s left now is a beautiful mix of old and new friends, a reconnection with family, a renewed confidence in myself, and a deeper understanding of how I fit into the world (still very much a work in progress on that last one, but is it something we ever really stop learning about?). 

When I think about it, what remains are actually most of the things I documented in this very newsletter. The importance of friends, feeling comfortable with feeling lost, having a weird but very real love for Parkrun (now whenever I feel sad I go for a run…it actually works!), connecting with old versions of me (who I’m now learning from!), and appreciating the simple things. And finally, my last post documented depression - the end of which, I believe, allowed me to start to come back to myself and truly flourish. 

Why I was asking why

Why did I decide to ask why? Feels quite meta to ask that question, doesn’t it. On reflection, though, I think asking why in this newsletter has been an essential part of this whole process. It may sound a bit too deep or maybe a bit too obvious with hindsight on my side, but this newsletter guided me to conclusions and understandings that I wasn’t consciously aware I needed to reach. It allowed my subconscious, my inner and truest self, to collect evidence and review my life - to bring to the surface all the things that brought me joy and connected me to people. 

It’s as if I was counting my blessings before I took a massive leap into a deep pool of the unknown - a jump that would require me to trust myself, to back myself, and garner an inner strength bigger than I’d ever had before. 

In the end, a newsletter that was created to share a part of myself with my friends and family ended up teaching me how to understand and love myself. 

A fitting ending 

So, this is me saying it’s the end of Hannah is Asking Why. 

If you’ve read this far, thank you.  

Here’s to whatever creative project comes next (and you know I’ll be telling you about it). 

And here’s to always asking why.